


Bury all your secrets in my skin

by Ischa



Series: Midnight Land [7]
Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance, Panic At The Disco
Genre: Angst, Disturbing Themes, Dreams, M/M, Multi, Sexual Content, Threesome, Vampires, emotional incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-17
Updated: 2011-08-17
Packaged: 2017-10-22 18:14:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/241068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ischa/pseuds/Ischa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank really tries to understand the whole Ryan-thing, but really Gerard turning gay for that Ross kid? And when the dreams start he is sure that something is not right.</p><p><i>When he wakes up some hours later it's with Mikey's scent and his body warmth surrounding him. It's nice, he thinks. He would like to wake up like this every day if it were possible. Mikey snuggled closer during the night and Frank is very aware of the places their bodies are touching. He doesn't want to move, but something catches his attention, a movement at the corner of his eye.<br/>“Gerard...” he says almost softly. </i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Bury all your secrets in my skin

**Title:** Bury all your secrets in my skin  
 **Pairing:** Gerard/Frank, Frank/ Mikey, Gerard/Ryan and Panic GSF  
 **Rating:** R  
 **Summary:** Frank really tries to understand the whole Ryan-thing, but really Gerard turning gay for that Ross kid? And when the dreams start he is sure that something is not right.  
 **Warning(s):** Sex, emotional waycest, threesomes, vampires, angst (like a lot), disturbing imaginary  
 **Author’s Notes:** Set directly after ‘Midnight land’. Title stolen from the song ‘Snuff’ by Slipknot. +Coda or missing scene or something.  
 **Word Count:** 16.445  
 **Beta:** tygermine (without her I sure as hell wouldn’t have finished this and also, thanks for being my personal MCR Yoda.)  
 **Disclaimer:** Don’t know, don’t own, not real.

\---  
~1~  
Frank usually ‘gets it’. No matter how obscure, twisted or weird something is, he understands it. He has enough practice with the Way brothers. But this?

“I just can’t understand why,” he says at breakfast when it’s just him and Gerard and their breakfast consisting of coffee and a cigarette. He would have had some cereal, if someone had bothered to buy any during the last Wal Mart run.

“I like him,” Gerard answers nonchalantly.

“No, you don’t,” Frank sounds absolutely sure of it. As if it’s a fact of life. Facts like the sky being blue or taxes. Or that Gerard could never like little Ryan Ross.

“Seems you don’t know me at all,” Gerard answers calmly and Frank wants to say something, calling him on his bullshit because he knows Gerard well enough, but Mikey’s timing is creepy in its accuracy like ever. It seems like he knows exactly when Gerard needs to be saved or something.

“Gimme…” he says and holds his hand out; his hair is a mess and he looks barely awake, Gerard rolls his eyes but passes his mug over. “I love you.” Mikey mutters over the lip of his stolen mug.

“Yeah…you love coffee more,” his brother answers.

“Not true.” Mikey says with a soft smile and Frank just looks away. Sometimes he isn’t sure what it is between the brothers Way. If it is something at all…in the tender gestures and soft smiles.

  
Frank knows that Gerard is fucking Ross. He just doesn’t know why it bothers him. Maybe, because Gerard never said a thing about being into boys like Pete did. And their stage gay…well, it’s just that. Performing for the crowd, sometimes for themselves, when things get out of hand, because they do.  
Sometimes.  
It’s normal.  
They’re worked up and high on the music and hormones and all that. Sometimes things go too far, sometimes they get messy, sometimes they get horny. They never act on it when they’re not on stage, but Frank did wonder. Once or twice. Late at night. Sometimes he jerked off to the memory of Gerard’s lips on his skin, or Gerard’s taste on his tongue.  
He never said anything and if Gerard did the same in his bunk he never said anything either.

  
Sometimes something like jealousy curls up in his stomach when he sees Gerard and Mikey on the couch together. Tangled into each other like vines. Inseparable. Two lost boys. But he can’t really figure why he’s jealous or of whom. Because they’re just like that, were from the day he meet them. Affectionate, always touching and sometimes ending each other’s sentences, sharing looks of understanding and laughing out loud at the same time about the same thing. Being, well the Way brothers.

~+~  
Gerard is singing ‘Love Lockdown’ and Mikey just stands in the door of the lounge for a few moments and listens, then Gerard turns as if he sensed Mikey – which might be true, Gerard is weird like that – and smiles, his cheeks tinted pink.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” Mikey answers crossing the room to sit down at Gerard’s feet, back leaning against the couch. “I like that song.”

“It’s been stuck in my head since Wednesday…” Gerard answers, Mikey laughs.

“Gerard?”

“Yeah?” Gerard says, absent-mindedly combing his fingers through Mikey’s hair.

“Frank is acting weird.”

“Yeah. It’s because of Ryan,” Gerard answers. Mikey turns and Gerard’s fingers are still tangled in his hair, he winces. “Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Mikey says softly, because it really isn’t. His brother sighs when his hand is free of Mikey’s hair and closes his eyes, as if he were tired of the conversation already, he probably is.

“You think I should talk to him?” Gerard asks absently.

“Maybe?”

“About what, though?”

“About Ryan.” Mikey’s words are thick with ‘DUH!’

“I can’t tell him about Ryan…not that.”

“I didn’t mean that, maybe he just needs to understand why you’re doing what you’re doing.” Mikey answers.

“Yeah, and how to make him understand without telling him and not betraying Ryan… and really the whole fucking band’s trust?”  
Mikey is silent and Gerard knows that he doesn’t have an answer to that either. He sighs and Mikey leans his head against his legs for comfort.

~+~  
Gerard is singing ‘Jesus Walks’ in the tiny kitchen. Frank just stands in the doorframe and watches, listens. Gerard has phases. This isn’t the worse one.

“Coffee?” Gerard asks and Frank jumps a bit, because honestly, is Gerard a psychic? Jesus.

“Yeah…” he says sliding into the tiny booth.

“Wanna talk?” Gerard asks, putting a mug in front of Frank, he is smoking in the kitchen and Frank would really like to say something about it, but yeah…he does that too, so there is no point.

“About?”

“Well… me… Ryan.” Gerard does that funny hand wavy thing, cigarette clenched between two fingers.

“No.” Frank says picking up the mug and blowing over the hot coffee to cool it down a bit.

“You sure?”

“You like him.” Frank states, not looking at Gerard. So he’s talking about it after all, but Gerard offered. He hears Gerard exhale and waits for… something.

“I said that, didn’t I?” Gerard sounds sheepish.

“I don’t believe you.” Frank shrugs. Gerard has a habit of telling him that he likes people. Gerard likes everyone. Which is why he wants to save them. But why would he like that Ross kid? He was all in when Frank was talking shit about them and now? The change is what makes this whole thing such a mess. It’s too sudden.

“You don’t?”

“No,” Frank says looking up from his coffee, Gerard is watching him.

“Why not?”

“You’re not into guys.” Gerard likes everyone, but he doesn’t like guys, like that. Frank would know, wouldn't he?

“Well…I am. Sometimes.” Gerard actually squirms in his seat.

Frank eyeballs his friend. So Gerard swings both ways? He always suspected, but to turn gay for Ross? Seriously. What. The. Fuck.  
“So…uh…Ross?” Frank squeaks out.

“Seems so.”

“Dude.” Because, seriously? Gerard keeps silent. “Is he the first?”

“I slept with? Yeah.” Gerard’s eyes suddenly glaze over.

Frank cringes at the over share.  
“You had a crush on. I mean.” Frank’s t-shirt seems to be strangling him, cutting off his air supply. Why does he even asks, why does he want to know that? God. What’s wrong with him?

“That too…” Gerard answers, blowing smoke into the air.

 _He’s lying. He’s my best friend and he’s fucking lying to me_. Frank needs to get to the bottom of this.

“So… are you like, in love… with…?” And that isn’t really a question because Frank knows the answer to that. It’s ‘no’.

“Yes.”

“Liar.” Frank says standing up to leave.

“Wait…” Gerard says grabbing the hem of Frank’s shirt. He pauses, looking out the window rather that at Gerard.

“Why? Got more lies for me? You know, as far as practical jokes go, this one sucks ass.”

“I…okay, no, wait.” Gerard pulls Frank back towards the booth. He slides in across from his friend and stares him down. Gerard pulls out another cigarette, lights it and inhales deeply before continuing.  
“I was in love before…with a guy.” Gerard says quietly.  
Frank doesn’t know where to look, choosing to trace the tattoos on his hands instead. God, why does he do that to himself?

“Who was it?” Frank has to know. He needs to know. He just doesn’t know why.

“Doesn’t matter. Ended a long time ago.”

“Was it Bert?” Frank asks. Gerard chokes out a laugh and shakes his head. “You still in love with him?” Frank can’t seem to let it go.

“I’m not Pete.”

“That isn’t an answer.”

“I still love him,” Gerard admits. And that’s something and yeah, he is not Pete. There is a difference between being in love and loving someone.

“So, you don’t love Ryan, you’re in love with him?”

“I…” Gerard begins.

“He does.” Mikey says softly from the door. Frank has no idea how long he was standing there. Mikey has ninja stalking skills. Learned that from Andy, Frank's sure. (Maybe he should hang out with Fall out Boy more often.)

“Mikey…” Gerard sounds frustrated.

“I told you, there are many forms of love.” Mikey says, sliding in next to Frank.

“You’ve spent too much time with Wentz. It’s affected your brain.” Frank says annoyed.

“Frank,” Gerard’s voice is soft.

“Whatever,” Frank says frustrated pushing past Mikey. He had to get some air. He can’t deal with them both. He just can’t. He doesn’t understand why Mikey is okay with the whole Ross thing. But on the other side Mikey backs Gerard up when it’s something really important. But why, why would _Ryan_ be one of the important things?

~+~  
“That went well,” Mikey says watching Frank storm off to the back of the bus.

“I fucked up. Didn’t I?” Gerard rests his head on his arms.

“You have no idea.” Mikey almost smirks.

~+~  
Frank doesn’t eavesdrop. Well, not intentionally anyway. But if they want to leave their dressing room door open when anyone can just stand outside, having a cigarette, minding their own business and overhear the sordid details of their group sex life, it’s not Frank’s fault. They can be glad it’s just him.  
And Frank wasn’t actually paying that much attention until Brendon, he thinks, mentioned Gerard’s name. And what kind of friend would he be if he didn’t take note of what people are saying of his front man? What he does find out is that Spencer isn’t happy with the whole situation and Gerard is a taker.  
Who’d have thought?

It’s just his luck to overhear another conversation like this in his own fucking bus. He doesn’t mean to overhear that conversation either. He really doesn’t and he doesn’t know what to do with it now that he knows that.  
And it isn’t just the conversation, he realises that night in his bunk when his hand slides down his stomach. It’s the whole scene. The images his mind conjures of Ryan and Gerard. Gerard and Ryan and Brendon. All lurid and pornographic petering out to innocent moments. Gerard’s head buried in the crook of Mikey’s neck. Mikey’s silence after Gerard told him. (That’s where Frank left, because he didn’t want to know anymore.) There was something familiar about that silence. But Frank can’t pin it down. Maybe he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to face what he _thinks_ he knows, about them. About _himself_. This whole thing fucks with his head.

~+~  
“Hey.”

Mikey turns around to see Frank standing in the doorway. “Hey,” he answers.

“So…” Frank steps into the lounge and sits down on the couch as Mikey shifts to make room for him.

“Yeah?”

“Gerard and Ryan…” Frank begins and Mikey sighs.

“You really should talk to Gerard about it.”

“No, I think I need to talk to you.” Mikey lifts one eyebrow. “Listen,” Frank continues before Mikey can stop him. “I heard you…I mean, I didn’t mean to overhear it, but it happened and…”

“What are you talking about?” Mikey asks confused.

“About Ryan fucking Gerard, about you and Gerard on the goddamned couch!” Frank says frustrated. There it is. He said it. Finally. (Maybe he is wrong about this. Maybe, but he doesn’t think he is.) And now Mikey has to deal with it too. The words hang in the air between them while Mikey considers what Frank just laid out on him. Maybe he is thinking, maybe he is shocked. Frank isn’t sure.

“Well, now you know Ryan tops…” Mikey finally speaks.

“It’s not just about…it’s not just Ryan I’m talking about. It’s Gerard. It’s you.” Frank pulls out a cigarette. God, he needs the support.

“I don’t know what you’re implying here.” And he is such a goddamned liar, Frank thinks. Both brothers.  
Mikey shifts and Frank grabs his wrist without thinking.  
“What?” Mikey snaps.

Frank smells it immediately. The familiar spiciness that floats around Mikey. And his curiosity gets the better of him. He wants to know. Needs to know. Just to…understand. He moves closer to Mikey, who edges carefully away.

“Don’t” Mikey whispers. The word cuts through Frank’s mental fog like a bullet train, sending him mentally reeling. He shakes his head. What the fuck had he been thinking?

He is so fucked.

~2~  
“This is not about me fucking Ryan.” Gerard stands against the kitchenette counter, lighting a cigarette, he looks a bit pissed. Frank can understand that. He probably would be too.

“Him fucking you, you mean,” Frank says.

“Whatever,” Gerard answers dismissively, waving his cigarette. There is a bruise on his wrist, finger shaped.

“Who did that?” Frank points to the bruise.

“Did what?”

“He did that, didn’t he? What does he…why are you letting him?” Frank asks. He can’t understand it. All that weird behaviour. The self destruction. Frank though Gerard was done with that sort of thing.

“It’s none of your business,” Gerard answers. And maybe it’s true, but he can’t let this go, not anymore. Something about this is just not right. ( _Something about Ryan is not right_ ) And he doesn’t even want to think about what is not right with Mikey and Gerard. Jesus.

“Is this about Mikey?” Frank feels guilty, he doesn’t really have to ask, because of course it’s about Mikey. The kind of guilty only Catholics can feel. The kind Jewish mothers can instil with just a look. It’s soul destroying.

“Obviously. You freaked him out,” Gerard says taking a deep drag from his cigarette. He’s trying to stay calm, Frank knows and he knows Gerard would have punched anyone else by now for freaking out his little brother like that.

“Funny, he isn’t freaked out by you.”

“I’m his brother.”

“That’s the point,” Frank says looking Gerard in the eyes. Gerard takes another drag, keeps it in. “Don’t do that,” Frank says softly. Gerard exhales.

“What do you want me to say?” Gerard asks. Frank isn’t sure he wants to talk about it, he wants to understand the Ryan thing, but this…this is so much bigger. So much more wrong. If it’s true, that is. Because…he can be wrong about it. Maybe.

“I don’t know…” because he doesn’t. “It’s just… so…You aren’t from some backwater in the south, Gerard.” There. He said it. And now Gerard can laugh at him for assuming something like that or punch him in the face, because he totally would deserve that. But Gerard doesn’t. He takes just another drag of his cigarette and lets it burn his lungs. (Maybe it’s guilt.)

“Frank,” Gerard says, Frank closes his eyes. He just can’t look at Gerard.

~+~  
Maybe it’s because he knows now that he could have a chance. Because it’s not hopeless, like he thought before, before Ryan and the whole Mikey thing (but that was always there, he just didn’t see it, or he didn’t want to see it). Gerard is letting Ryan fuck him and he is in love with…he doesn’t finish that thought. It still freaks him out. Not because Gerard is getting fucked by Ryan, but because the idea turns Frank on. It really shouldn’t. His fantasies include Mikey now as well. Mikey’s bony hips, Gerard’s pale bruised skin. It doesn’t let him sleep at night as he dreams of being part of it. Somehow. When did his life become his own personal hell?

~+~  
“You really shouldn’t let him do that to you.” Mikey says, caressing the bruise on his brother’s shoulder. Gerard shrugs.

“It’s not what you think it is.”

“What is it then?” he asks, because he doesn’t understand that too. Like Frank he is worried.

“A rush, a high…you can’t not surrender or want it. He _makes_ you want it.” Gerard tries to explain.

“You think that is healthy?”

“Is anything about this healthy?” Gerard dodges the question.

“And you’re in love with him.” Not a question.

“I care about him, I want him…I guess.”

There is silence for a while. The only noise their breathing.

“About Frank…” Mikey begins after a while. They really need to solve that. It fucks with their dynamics.

“He likes you.” Gerard shrugs

“No, he likes you.” Mikey answers and smiles.

“I’m with Ryan,” his brother answers as if that solves their Frank issue.

“Doesn’t matter to him. Well, it matters that Ryan seems to be fucking with your head and hurting you. He’s worried. Don’t you see that?” Mikey tries to explain to Gerard.

“We’re so fucked.”

“Yeah,” Mikey agrees.

~+~  
It’s a Friday when things go from bad to worse. There is screaming, broken furniture, spilled drinks and at some point Frank finds himself pinned against a wall. By Ryan, after he punched Spencer and maybe broke Jon’s nose.

Spencer is bleeding from a split lip and Ryan’s grip on Frank is really fucking strong for such a tiny boy. Who would have thought? _Maybe Mikey was on something when he said they shouldn’t mess with the Panic boys_ , he thinks. _Well, too late._ He is sure he could still take Brendon and Spencer, he isn’t sure about Jon, the first punch after all surprised him. Breathing becomes an issue at some point and he closes his eyes.

“Ryan,” Spencer’s voice comes through the fog.

“No,” Ryan hisses, he is so fucking mad, Frank can tell because his grip on Frank’s neck is tightening.

“Calm down…” Brendon’s tenor joins with Spencer’s.

“He deserves it!” Ryan spits and Frank thinks maybe he does. Because he was stupid enough to start a fight in a club. All this (Ryan and Gerard, Mikey, Gerard and Mikey) makes him insane and he knows it. He fucking knows and mentally kicks himself as the darkness closes in.

~+~  
“God! You’re so stupid!” Mikey rages after they are back in the hotel. Gerard didn’t even glance at him as he passed by. He feels awful but now it’s a bit late for remorse. Frank keeps quiet, because he knows and there isn’t anything he can say to defend his actions. Well, _not much._

“Have you seen his bruises?” he asks after a while.

“Who’s?” Mikey frowns.

“Gerard’s.”

“Frank! This is not about Gerard, this is about you! Fucking interfering where it isn’t your business.”

“You and Gerard are my business. You guys are my friends! It is totally about you two.” Frank answers, Mikey looks at him sharply.

“It isn’t.”

“It _is_ , this band, these songs, you, Ryan, me…everything.” He rubs at his face with a hand, wincing as he accidentally bumps his shiner. Ryan can pack a mean punch. He takes a deep breath and then looks at Mikey again, who is looming over his hunched over form.

“Do you love him?” Mikey demands to know.

“Do you?”

“Of course,” Mikey answers without missing a beat. There is a tense silence that seeps in between them. Frank just listens to their breathing with closed eyes. He knew that. And it still can mean something totally normal. Because of course Mikey loves Gerard, he’s his brother.  
“You need to control your jealousy.” Mikey speaks up, sitting down on the bed next to him. Frank wants to tell him that it isn’t jealousy and to fuck off, but he doesn’t. Mikey’s just trying to help. God, Frank _needs help._

 __“I will not apologize,” he says instead.

“I didn’t think you would.”

~+~  
“He is so stupid,” Gerard says when Mikey enters the room he’s sharing with his brother now because Mikey knows Gerard needs him.

“He didn’t think.”

“He could have been killed!”

“Aren’t you overreacting now?”

“No, Ryan…he’s…ah…well… a vampire and he thinks…I’m his or something and Spencer and Brendon and Jon. We belong to him and he has to protect them. Us. So…when Frank hit Spencer! I can’t…god. He is so stupid.”

“He doesn’t know about Ryan.” Mikey says, taking the vampire thing in his stride.

“That doesn’t matter! He can’t just start fights with people in bars because he doesn’t like who they go out with.”

“He does it because of you…”

“He needs to stop acting like a jealous boyfriend.” Gerard actually sulks.

“He thinks Ryan hurts you.” Mikey says gently. He is standing with his back to the window, looking at Gerard who is pacing the room.

“I don’t care,” his brother rants. “Even if he does it’s not his fucking business.”

“Yeah…” Mikey says, because it’s true. But worrying is no excuse for hitting Spencer.

“I know what I’m doing.” Gerard continues to pout.

“I know, but maybe you should tell Frank that,” his brother says.

“I really don’t want to talk to him right now.”

“Okay,” Mikey answers, crossing the room, taking Gerard’s hand and pulling him to the bed.  
“You’ll have to eventually. In the meantime, let’s get some sleep.”

“I know,” Gerard replies, because he knows Mikey is right, he needs to sleep, he needs to…he needs something familiar, solid around him. Mikey is as close as he’ll get to that indescribable need that has come from childhood to calm him down.

“Mikey,” he says when he’s lying in bed next to his brother. Mikey has his arm around his brother’s shoulders, hugging him close.

“Hmmm?” Gerard knows that sound: it means Mikey is barely awake.

“Nothing…good night.”

“Tomorrow,” Mikey mumbles and then there is silence and darkness surrounding him.

~+~  
Breakfast is a silent affair. Frank looks like he didn’t sleep the whole night. The black eye and big bruise on his neck are competing for attention. Gerard is still sulking. He drinks his coffee and looks out the window of the hotel restaurant. The sky is grey and it looks like it might rain later that day. Doesn’t matter, they don’t need to be anywhere. He sees Bob and Ray share a look but they stay silent. It’s not the first time Frank and Gerard are fighting or Frank doing stupid shit and hurting himself in the process. He figures they aren’t too concerned and just waiting for it to blow over. Usually he wouldn’t be either.  
But now?  
Things seem to be out of control. Frank chews moodily on his doughnut. He knows they have to talk about it. Better sooner than later.

Gerard didn’t think about Frank at all when he began obsessing about Ryan. And later when he knew, well he didn’t think then either. Because there wasn’t much to think about in the first place. There was Ryan; all his presence and power and he was real. And Gerard wanted him, even before he knew what Ryan was. Frank wasn’t even a blip on his radar. (Because Frank is his friend and there wasn’t anything else there, never. Not for Frank anyway.) He pulls out a cigarette, lights it – ignoring the ‘no smoking’ sign – and inhales deeply. He doesn’t let the smoke burn his lungs this time. He exhales with a loud sigh and stares out of the window again, letting his thoughts drift. Mikey and Ray are talking quietly over the table about something or other, he doesn’t really care. He just likes to hear their voices; a distant murmur like water. Familiar and calming like the smoke in his lungs.  
He closes his eyes briefly and takes another sip of his coffee. When he looks back Frank is staring at him. He doesn’t want to deal with this right now.

~+~  
“I was wrong,” Frank says. He cornered Gerard in his room. Gerard is standing on the balcony, the rain is heavy but he doesn’t seem to care if he gets wet.

“Yeah. You were.”

“Look…I just can’t understand, okay? Why Ryan? Why him? Why are you letting him do that to you?” Frank says, he wishes Gerard would look away from the dark grey city and at him.

“Because I want to.” Gerard answers taking another drag of his cigarette. Frank keeps silent for a while. Thinking. He knows it’s the truth. But something about it…

“Is it because of Mikey?” he asks then.

“What?” and Gerard actually turns to look at him. His hair is slightly wet at the front like his clothes.

“I…you think you deserve punishment for Mikey?”

“What are you talking about?”  
And Frank has had enough. All the lies, all the things they say without saying them at all. But he doesn’t want to be the one dragging this into daylight. Some things better stay hidden.

“Never mind.”

“Frank.”

“You want me to be the one saying it out loud?” he asks irritated again, god! This whole thing is so messed up, he wishes he never started harassing Panic at all. If you look at it like that, it is all Frank’s fault.

“What exactly is the problem?” Gerard asks, as if he didn’t know.

“You, Ryan. You and Ryan. I’m worried. It’s not healthy.” Frank says and because he really has enough and things are messed up and he really doesn’t know how this can get any more worse he adds, “You and Mikey.”

“We are not…” Gerard says realisation flickering behind his eyes what Frank is freaking out about, and Frank knows he will lie about Mikey and him and he will not have any of it. He will not, it’s wrong and it’s their fault he is thinking about it at all. It’s their fault he is so messed up in his head, it’s their fault he can’t sleep at night. All the pointless jealousy is their fault too.

“You are! Don’t lie to me!”

“We aren’t.” Gerard says calmly. Frank fucking hates him right now. Hates his calm behaviour, hates how he makes Frank feel. He balls his hands to fists.

“Gerard,” Frank says sitting down on the floor, because he doesn’t want to do something stupid again. Like punch his singer. And he wants to; badly.

“We aren’t.” Gerard repeats. And Frank doesn’t believe him.

~3~  
 _“What do you want?” Ryan asks, Frank keeps silent. “Do you even know what you want?” he adds, his voice sounding low and inviting, beckoning. Frank does, he does. He just doesn’t know if it’s a good idea._

He wakes up borderline hysterical and covered in sweat. He doesn’t know why, maybe because it seemed so goddamned real. They were in a hotel room and there was Ryan, standing at the window looking at Frank, amused. Frank knows that there were other people in the room, nearby. Tangled, naked maybe…sliding against each other like snakes, he couldn’t see them. God, he thinks. _Messed up._

The whole thing affects their stage performance, because Frank can’t bear looking at Mikey and he can’t bear to be touched by Gerard. The first time he flinches, Gerard gives him a look but carries on and Frank doesn’t think about it too much. The second time he turns away. The third he doesn’t even let Gerard touch him once during the whole set.

“What is wrong with you?” Gerard asks after the fifth show Frank flinched and fled to the other side of the stage. Away from Mikey, away from Gerard.

“Nothing.” Gerard reaches out to touch him again and Frank backs away. Into the wall.

“It’s not nothing,” Gerard says softly. Frank closes his eyes. He just can’t.

“Just…”

“What?”

“Don’t touch me.”

“Frank?”

“Don’t touch me.” He repeats and opens his eyes.

“Okay.” Frank ignores the glimmer of pain in Gerard’s eyes.

~+~  
“Things are getting worse.”

“No shit.” Mikey says, sitting down on the couch next to his brother. Gerard curls around him, inhaling the scent and the feeling of SAFE.

“He can’t…he doesn’t want me to touch him at all, as if I’m contaminated or something.”

“He doesn’t think you’re sick.” Mikey answers calmly.

“I…”

“You miss him. You have to choose.” Mikey says. Gerard sighs, grabbing Mikey’s shirt, burrowing his head in it.  
He doesn’t know what to do. Talking doesn’t do them any good it seems.

~+~  
 _“I know I don’t want you,” Frank says, because he doesn’t. He knows he doesn’t, but Ryan just smiles, this secret smile like he knows Frank will give in any minute._

 _“Liar,” he whispers, but he isn’t coming any closer. He just stands there, leaning with his back against the windowsill. Watching. Like a predator. Frank shivers. Something moves in the corner._

Frank wants to scream, but the noise is caught in his throat. Normal night sounds filter through to him, past the noise of his racing heart. Bob snoring above him, Ray mumbling across from him.  
Normal.  
The night outside the window is loud and dark. His skin crawls. He stands up and leaves the bunk quietly; he needs a cigarette.  
His fingers are shaking as he lights one, he succeeds at the third try. The first drag burns his lungs and it feels good, it feels real. He’s a mess and he wants to scream. So badly. He smokes another two and goes towards his bunk again. He hesitates for a minute, lightly shaking Mikey awake. He is rubbing at his eyes and looking too young and Frank is sorry for waking him up.

“Frank?”

“Couldn’t sleep…” he says sheepishly.

“Wanna talk about it?” Mikey pets the bunk next to him, inviting Frank to sit down. And it shouldn’t make Frank feel awkward, because this is Mikey, he lived with Mikey, they slept in a fucking van curled around each other, but it does.  
“Frank?” Mikey asks, as Frank doesn’t move towards Mikey’s bunk right away.

“Yeah…” he answers, crawling into the small space with Mikey. Suddenly Frank feels stupid and trapped. “I shouldn’t be here…I mean, I’m sorry for waking you…I just…”

“Couldn’t sleep. Yeah, I get that.” Mikey says looking at him. Frank wants to tell him about these weird dreams, but he isn’t sure he can…if Mikey would tell Gerard.

“I…”

“You can sleep here.” Mikey says.

“Thanks,” Frank answers with a smile. Mikey smiles back.

When he wakes up, he feels the warmth of Mikey’s body surrounding him. The spicy scent is there as well. Everywhere. It smells…delicious, he thinks and he _knows_ as soon as he thinks it that isn’t his thought. It’s Ryan’s. Ryan would think in terms like these. He doesn’t know how he knows, but he does. Mikey’s hand is curled into Frank’s shirt and his breath is warm on Frank’s neck. He is afraid. He wants to turn, he wants to see Mikey’s face. He wants to run away. In the end he closes his eyes again and drifts off.

The second time he wakes up it’s because Mikey is shifting and burrowing his body into Frank’s. He mumbles something that Frank doesn’t catch and then goes still again, his breathing evening out. It’s still dark outside Frank notices.

The time he wakes up for good it’s with a scream. He dreamed again and he shakes his head violently to get the images out of it. Mikey’s hand grabs at his arm and Gerard says softly,  
“Frank?” Frank doesn’t question why Gerard is here. Maybe he couldn’t sleep either. He doesn’t care.

“It’s Ryan…” Frank says and wants to kick himself for it, because what does it even mean?

“What?” Mikey’s voice is soft, he is rubbing small circles into Frank’s wrist.

“Nothing,” Frank answers, shaking his head.

“Frank…” Gerard repeats from just outside Mikey’s bunk, the curtains pulled away. Frank looks at him, Gerard’s hand is outstretched so he can touch Frank and Frank flinches away, he doesn’t mean to. “Frank…” he says again, letting his hand drop.

“Just…don’t touch me.” He says, he feels so tired, Mikey leans in and he lets him. He doesn’t exactly know why it’s okay with Mikey, maybe because he isn’t with Ryan. He shivers again.

~+~  
“What did he mean with ‘it’s Ryan’?” Mikey wants to know when Frank is gone. In search for coffee or something. Maybe he just wanted to leave.

“I don’t know.” Gerard’s shoulders hunch further in on themselves.

“Ask Ryan.”

“What?”

“Ask Ryan. He is falling apart and it’s…it’s your fault,” he finishes.

“I know,” Gerard says, he just doesn’t know how to fix it. Maybe it’s too late.

“Don’t even go there,” Mikey answers. “We survived you, we survived Matt, we will survive Ryan.” Mikey’s voice sounds fierce. Which isn’t something you hear often from Mikey, so Gerard just nods.

~+~  
Frank stares at his reflection. He feels like a shell. When all the things he loved about his life aren’t there anymore…maybe it’s time to do something about it? Maybe change the life you lead? He shakes his head again. It’s not that simple.

~+~  
“Spencer…” Gerard says.

“Way,” Spencer answers. They still aren’t friends. They never will be. Gerard thinks it's because of the things Spencer has to hide from everybody but his band.

“I need to speak to Ryan,” he says and knows Spencer is passing the phone.

“What did you do?” Gerard asks.

“What?”

“To Frank,” Gerard clarifies.

“Nothing.” Gerard doesn’t believe him, he can always think more clearly when he’s not in the same room as Ryan. His power isn’t that strong over miles and miles of cellphone signal. “He deserves what he gets.” Ryan’s voice sounds hard and unforgiving.

“You can’t do that, whatever you’re doing to him. You need to stop.”

“No,” Ryan answers.

“He’s falling apart.”

“Good.”

“Ryan…”

“What? What? He punched Spencer. He…do you even know what I did after they got me home? What I did before they found me? Can you imagine?” He asks, he sounds pissed and scared of himself. Gerard knows he _is_ scared of himself sometimes. It’s understandable.

“No, I can’t.” Gerard answers, because he can’t and he doesn’t want to.

“I was so mad…I ripped…I can’t even think about that night.”

“He doesn’t know.” Gerard says and yeah, he knows he didn’t care when Mikey said that to him.

“I don’t care, he can’t just punch people in the face because he doesn’t like who they fuck!” Gerard hears something crash. “Fuck!”

“He loves me.” Gerard says and he knows it’s true. There is silence at the other end of the line. Just breathing, calming down.

“You love him?” he asks at least.

“I…don’t know.”

“Right.” Ryan sounds sceptic.

“Ryan…”

“Do you love anyone at all?”

“Mikey.” Gerard says quietly.

“Beside your brother…that doesn’t count…wait.” Ryan answers, stopping and just breathing. Gerard waits. “God.” Ryan says and then he laughs. “You are so fucked up…” but he doesn’t sound mad or disgusted, Gerard thinks he thinks he doesn’t have room to talk.

“Didn’t you know that before?” he asks.

“Yeah, I did.” Ryan’s smirk can be heard in the words.

“Stop hurting him, okay?”

“Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.” Ryan says and disconnects the phone. Gerard sighs, burrowing his head in the pillow. He’ll just have to wait. He hates waiting.

~+~  
 _Something about Ryan makes him want to run. Some primal part of him just knows Ryan could kill him and he realises that Ryan wants him to know that._

 _“So, know now what you want?” Ryan asks, Frank looks away from the shadows in the corner as Ryan’s voice penetrates his brain._

 _“I…” A soft moan from the corner lets his attention drift back again. “Is this your band?” he asks, still not looking at Ryan._

 _“Maybe…”  
Frank tries to figure this out, another moan and then a hiss._

Images of Brendon and Jon are in his head when he wakes up and something about Ryan that is blurred and doesn’t make sense at all. He’s hard, but he doesn’t dare touch himself. Not with the dream so vivid, because he’s sure he heard Gerard’s voice amongst the moans in the dark corner that could have been a bed. He doesn’t close his eyes again, because he doesn’t want the images to come back.  
It’s normal, he figures to dream about Gerard and Ryan and Brendon, because he knows they _do_ that. But it’s still all kinds of messed up and not okay.

~+~  
Performing still sucks a bit and it shouldn’t suck at all. Frank doesn’t flinch away from him when he’s close, but he doesn’t let Gerard touch him either. Sometimes he plays with/at Mikey and Gerard feels a bit jealous. He just wants things to be okay again between them. All of them.

  
“It would be okay if you and Frank would hook up…” he says, inhaling smoke.

“What are you talking about?” his brother asks, putting the knife he was using to slice some innocent tomatoes with on the counter. Frank would have a fit, tomato juice is everywhere.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“I choose not to.” Mikey answers.

“I’m serious here.”

“I’m so hoping you’re not!”

“Mikey…”

“It’s okay for you to have Ryan and I’m not jealous or anything.”

“That’s not what this is about,” Gerard says softly, exhaling when Mikey tells him to.

“What is it then?” Mikey sounds a bit curious and a bit frustrated with the whole thing. Gerard doesn’t even know what this is all about. He keeps silent.  
“God! You think this would fix things!” Mikey exclaims. Well, maybe that idea crossed his mind.

“I…”

“Shut up. It will not. It will make things worse for sure. How can you even…sometimes I think you aren’t thinking at all.” Mikey says. “Sex isn’t the solution to every problem, god, sex isn’t the solution to _any_ problem.”

“I’m sure some people have different opinions about that.”

“Well…they don’t know better.” Gerard knows that tone, Mikey is done with this conversation and when Gerard is honest with himself he’s glad.

~+~  
 _He can feel his own blood rushing through his veins. It’s disturbing, what is more disturbing is that he can hear it too. Ryan smiles and Frank thinks if he asks me again I will rip his throat out. Ryan doesn’t ask. He doesn’t say anything, just walks over to the dark corner and pulls someone out, Brendon, and then he lets him slide back in the pile, pulls out Jon, Gerard…_

Frank wakes up hard again. He’s done that in the last few weeks more than he cares to count or admit to himself. It’s still dark outside but he can’t fall asleep anyway, so he gets up and makes some coffee in the tiny kitchen.

“Want some too…” Gerard says from the lounge. Frank didn’t even hear or see him, when he crossed it.

“Okay,” Frank answers pouring coffee into two mugs. He wants to put Gerard’s on the table, but Gerard makes grabby hands at him and he just goes with it, because it’s habit by now. Their fingers touch and Frank flinches again.

“This…doesn’t work. You need to stop doing that.” Gerard says softly.

“I can’t seem to,” Frank answers, sitting down on the other end of the couch.

“Still having weird dreams?”

“Yeah…” Frank answers, he doesn’t wonder about that.

“Still as bad?”

“Am I sleeping?”

“No…”

“Go figure.”

Gerard sighs. “You think the Ryan thing is messing up the band.” He states.

“Yeah. I do, but you know that…and you’re still with him and I…” he trails off.

“You what?”

“I’m fucking dreaming about him!” he spits, because he is so exhausted and he just wants the madness to stop.

“What kind of dreams?” Gerard prompts softly.

Frank takes a sip from his coffee. “I need a cigarette,” he says, Gerard lights one for him. He takes a drag and exhales with a sigh. “The twisted kind…like he’s some kind of god offering me something I’m not sure what it is…or if I want it at all…and he keeps asking if I made up my mind.”

“About what?”

“About what I want.”

“You think he would give it to you, if you did?” Gerard asks curious.

“The fuck? It’s a dream. How should I know?” Frank says with an uncertain laugh.

“Maybe you should ask.”

“Maybe…” Frank answers, Gerard is too weird sometimes.

All in all it’s not a bad idea…maybe if he asks his own subconscious it might answer him. Why would it not? It obviously wants to tell him something with these dreams so…yeah, he will just ask. God, he feels so stupid about this shit. Trust Gerard to come up with something like that and trust Frank to take it seriously.

~+~  
“So, you talked to Frank.” It’s not really a question.

“Yeah…he dreams about Ryan. The kid is playing him like a piano.”

“But you’re not telling Frank that.” Mikey crosses his arms over his chest.

“Yeah, because he would totally believe me…” Gerard’s sarcasm is shrugged off by his brother. Mikey isn’t so sure about anything when it comes to Frank these days. The boy is unreadable.

“He looks better though.” Gerard points out.

“He does…”

~+~  
 _“So…if I would make up my mind…about what I want…” Frank says, his eyes flickering to the dark corner where the moans are coming from._

 _“Wanna see?” Ryan asks, Frank shakes his head… “You sure?” his voice is teasing, making Frank shiver to his bones not out of fear this time._

 _“Yeah…” he answers, because he isn’t ready to face what is there…what he thinks he knows is there._

 _“You will soon.” Ryan needs to stop reading Frank’s thoughts._

He wakes up confused, but not scared, not hard, not wanting to scream his lungs out, but a bit frustrated too…Ryan didn’t answer his question. (He didn’t actually ask it, but Ryan should know, because Ryan is his subconscious.) His subconscious didn’t answer his question. So he didn’t answer his own question. His head hurts just thinking about it.

~+~  
“Thanks” Gerard says.

“I didn’t do anything,” Brendon answers, there is a smile in his voice.

“Right…thanks anyway.”

“Well…whatever I did…and I’m not saying I did anything, you’re welcome.”

Gerard disconnects the call and thinks that maybe things will be okay again. After all, they all understand love.

~4~  
Frank can’t look away. That is the problem, since he knows, or thinks he knows…well, he knows some things, he can’t look away. Maybe it’s not even a new development. Mikey’s shirt is riding up a bit, just a sliver of skin between pants and shirt, but he can’t look away and he asks himself if Gerard looks too. Like he does. But it’s not as messed up with Frank. Afterall, he isn’t…related to Mikey. He is allowed to look and be turned on. (Maybe, because they are friends and he shouldn't...) He lifts his gaze when Gerard enters the lounge with two mugs of coffee. Mikey makes some content noise, like a cat or something. It sounds very pleasant, he doesn’t open his eyes, just lies there and waits. It’s still somehow irritating how much faith he has in Gerard – not to hurt him.  
“Hot,” Gerard says and Mikey smiles, because, yeah, Frank thinks, of course it’s hot. It’s fresh made coffee. Gerard puts the mug carefully into Mikey’s hands and sits then down on the floor. His back against the couch. Touching Mikey’s knee. They always seem to touch. Lean into each other. It’s unsettling and beautiful. So, that’s why Frank can’t look away. Gerard puts the mug down and takes out his cigarettes. He lights one, inhales, exhales, the smell curls around them. It’s comforting. It’s normal.  
Frank can’t take it.

~+~  
The whole thing is messed up, the whole situation. He can't stand it. No one can stand it. He knows and he knows it's somehow his fault and that he has to make a decision like Mikey said, he has to. He just doesn't know.  
Because he can't give Ryan up.  
Not now, not ever maybe.  
Because Ryan is a fucking vampire and well...okay, its one of his long lasting kinks. That should be reason enough. It is for Gerard and it is for Mikey and for Frank, he thinks irritated, it should be enough that Gerard wants Ryan, wants to be together with Ryan. Gerard never said anything about Frank's countless lovers after all. Did he? No. He didn't. Ok, so maybe Frank has only had like, two lovers the entire time Gerard’s known him, but still. He took the high road and kept his mouth shut.

“You're looking pissed.”

His head snaps in Mikey's direction. “I think I am,” he answers.

“About what?”

“It's Frank,” he says.

“It's always Frank these days, isn't it?” Mikey rolls his eyes.

“Yeah...I mean, he should be happy for me, shouldn't he?” Gerard almost whines.

“Maybe.” Mikey likes being cryptic.

“Are you?”

“...” Mikey’s eyes grow large at Gerard’s question. How the hell does he even start to answer that?

“Mikey?”

“I want to be, but I know it’s Ryan just using his vamp mojo on you. At least if you were with Frank, I’d know it’s real.”

“Yeah...”

“Still. You need to do something. Bob is asking questions.”

“Bob?”  
Mikey nods. Things are going to hell when BOB starts asking questions. Gerard sighs.

~+~  
He doesn't really know what it is that makes him look all the time, he didn't do that before, but he can't really remember a time BEFORE. That is a problem, he thinks staring into the mirror.  
God, he needs to go away from them both. Needs some time alone, or someone who isn't Gerard or Mikey, for fucks sake. It's difficult when you're on tour. Hotel nights are the only exception but there aren't enough of them. He doesn't have a place to hide.  
And Gerard is looking. Worried glances in his direction. And Bob, fuck, he thinks, when Bob is giving him concerned looks things must really be bad. It’s like Warped 2004 all over again. He doesn't want to have a heart to heart with Bob, even if Bob would be the only one he could have a heart to heart with, but...not about this, not about wanting to fuck your lead singer and his brother too - in the same bed on the same night at the same time. He's still not coming to terms with this wish/need. Frank thinks he will never come to terms with this wish. Because it's not something he should want. Even when Ryan says he can't control these kinds of things. But Ryan is a scary motherfucker. And he doesn't want to listen to anything Ryan is whispering in his ear late at night in his dreams.  
But he does it anyway.  
It's difficult not to. Sometimes he wonders...about Ryan. In his dreams, in general, in reality.  
In his dreams Ryan is something else. Not human and why, why the fuck would he dream Ryan up as something like that? As something inhuman? As something evil? Something that could hurt him and would enjoy it?  
Maybe because he feels guilty, he reasons.  
Sometimes he's sure he doesn't dream it at all. Sometimes it feels all too real.

~+~  
 _“You can have it,” Ryan says and Frank just doesn't look into the corner. He can’t. He doesn't want to see._

 _“I don't want to,” he answers and they both know it's a lie. Ryan laughs. It doesn't sound cruel, it sounds amused.  
Someone in the dark moans and whispers his name, he doesn't look._

The things Ryan shows him...they are always there in his mind. He feels sick. He wonders if Gerard really sounds like that when he's about to come. And he wants to know, he needs to know.  
Does Mikey sound the same?  
He shakes his head and tries to focus on the show. It seems to get worse...but it always gets worse with them before it gets better. Maybe he needs to hit rock bottom again.

~+~  
“You wouldn't cheat on Ryan, would you?”

“That came out of left field.” Gerard notes, looking up from the drawing he is working on. There is a half full mug of coffee beside him, Mikey is sure it's cold by now.  
Mikey just shrugs. “What are we talking about?”

“A solution to our Frank problem...”

“I thought sex isn't the solution to any problem,” Gerard says.

“I hate it when you throw my own words back at me.”

“You were right.”

“Maybe I wasn't...”

“Do you want him?” Gerard asks a bit surprised, because he didn't think about that possibility.

“I...” Mikey says, but nothing else.

“I said you could hook up...”

“I know,” Mikey stresses.

“But you don't want to?”

“He doesn't want to either...” Mikey says in his 'duh' voice, it always makes Gerard smile.

“No, I wouldn't.” Gerard says after a while. He really wouldn't.

“Okay,” Mikey answers, sitting down, putting the mug on the coffee table. Gerard is very aware of the fact that his brother didn't ask if he would break up with Ryan...because, maybe he would – for Mikey.

~+~  
 _“I could give him up...” Ryan says and Frank thinks it's a lie. Because no one in their right mind would give Gerard up. No one._

 _“You wouldn't.”_

 _“I could.” And that right there is the difference. Ryan is offering something._

 _“Not for free...”_

 _“Take what you want and pay for it,” Ryan says and Frank knows, that it's something God said to whom he doesn't know, it doesn't matter anyway._

When he wakes up he is confused. He often is these days, and the feeling that he is holding on by his nails is not helping. Even his nightmares are kind of vague...fucking Ryan Ross, he thinks irritated.  
Mikey's sitting in the lounge when he crosses it on his way to the kitchen.

“Coffee?”

“Yeah,” Mikey answers, he looks tired. Frank can relate.

“Here...” he says when he comes back a few minutes later, putting a mug on the table.

“Thanks.”

“Mikey?” he asks.

“Yeah?”

“What is the deal with Ross?” Frank avoids Mikey’s eyes, tapping the sides of his mug instead.

“Come again?”

“He is...different?”

“What do you mean?” Mikey says and Frank thinks, _fucking liar._ Both Way brothers are such liars.

“If you don't want to tell me...okay, but don't lie. I just can't take this anymore.” he sighs. He takes a sip from his too hot coffee and burns his tongue, he doesn't care.

“I can't, okay? It’s not my secret to tell.”

“Okay.” Frank can respect an answer like that. _So,_ he thinks, _there is something up with the Ross kid._ He knew it.

When he wakes up some hours later it's with Mikey's scent and his body warmth surrounding him. It's nice, he thinks. He would like to wake up like this every day if it were possible. Mikey snuggled closer during the night and Frank is very aware of the places their bodies are touching. He doesn't want to move, but something catches his attention, a movement at the corner of his eye.  
“Gerard...” he says almost softly.

~+~  
So, that's maybe how Frank is feeling all the time, he thinks when he sees them curled around each other on the couch. The cold, soft morning sun illuminating their sleeping forms. He feels soft edged jealousy, aimed mostly at Mikey. Something in the back of his head wants him to be the one curled up with Frank.  
Something he knows he shouldn't be feeling. He's sure Frank thinks like this too. Because Mikey and Frank are friends. Gerard and Frank are friends. The whole thing is messed up.

“Gerard..” Frank says, his voice soft from sleep, Mikey's hand tightens unconsciously in Frank's shirt. Gerard smiles. It's Mikey after all.

“Are you in love with him?” Gerard asks quietly.  
Frank looks down into Mikey's sleeping face and then back to Gerard and nods.

~+~  
This part, he thinks, this part is easy. He can admit to Gerard that he loves Mikey, that he is in love with Mikey. Because it's true and simple and will not change a thing.

“Coffee?” Gerard asks, Frank nods again.

“Yeah...”

“He will wake up soon...” Gerard says on the way out into the kitchen. Frank knows that. Coffee is like a drug for both of them. He smiles, this morning doesn't seem all that bad.

Mikey stirs even before Gerard enters the lounge again with three mugs.  
“Morning...” he mumbles into Frank's shirt, burrowing as close as they were in bed.

“Morning,” Frank says, Mikey doesn't lean away from him, he just lets his eyes slide shut again and breaths against Frank's shoulder. It's moist and warm and Frank should maybe feel guilty, but he can't.

~+~  
Gerard thinks that maybe he is like Ryan...in some ways. Maybe he waited for this, for someone who would be able to love them, like they are, like the item they are. Like Ryan loves his band. He puts the mugs on the table and sits down on Mikey's right side, their bodies touching, Mikey sighs and Gerard knows he is smiling, even if he can't see it, because his brother's face is snuggled against Frank's shoulder.

~+~  
Things are getting better from that point on. Frank isn't sure why though. It's not like they talked about it, or solved anything. Because they didn't solve a god-damned thing.  
But the dreams are getting better too. He still isn't sure what they're really about. And Ryan is still a scary bitch, but it gets better.  
It's like Mikey's their glue...maybe. He can't put it into words, maybe that's why Gerard is writing their lyrics, or because Frank wrote about a dead goldfish. Not that Gerard hasn’t breached that subject either. He has – just in a more Pet Semetary kind of way.  
It's not perfect. Gerard is still fucking Ross, or Ross is still fucking Gerard and it still irritates the shit out of Frank.

“He's addicted...” Ryan's soft voice says and Frank thinks for a moment he's dreaming again, but he can feel Ryan's breath on his skin, can feel Ryan's presence in his back (and they aren’t in the hotel room, they’re usually in when he’s dreaming). Hovering, not touching. How could he sneak up on Frank like this?

“To you?” he asks, his heart is beating like mad in his chest. He's not afraid...he's just, he doesn't know. He still can feel Ryan's skinny hands around his throat sometimes.

“Maybe...” Ryan says, he steps back to give Frank some room.

“What are you doing here?”

“Visiting Gerard.” Ryan answers with a smile. It looks smug, Frank wants to punch him.

“Are you alone?”

Ryan looks sharply at him and nods. “Yeah.” He says. It seems he wants to say something else, but then he just shrugs and turns, staring ahead. As if he knows that Gerard will be there any minute. Waiting. He looks kind of beautiful in the late autumn sun. But Frank still can't understand. He's so young.  
And he's dangerous.  
Unbalanced.  
Violent – when provoked.  
Just like Frank.  
~5~  
He wakes up hard that night, but with no recollection of a dream. He’s confused, just sitting in the hotel bed, breathing and trying to remember. He feels betrayed and can’t really say why. Maybe…because the dreams were so real and he had a reason to wake up like this and that, that is just kind of humiliating. The room feels tight and close around him, so he gets up, takes out his cigarettes and doesn’t care that he shouldn’t smoke in here.  
He feels calmer after the first few drags, the smoke burning his lungs a bit because he keeps it in too long – like Gerard sometimes does. He shakes his head and stares out of the window. Black, black night – that’s all.

~+~  
“You look awful,” Ray says the next morning.

“You’re such a sweet talker…” Frank answers, but he feels really tired, clutching his coffee and calculating his chances to take a nap before sound check. They aren’t that good what with the stupid interview they have to do this morning.

“You okay?” Bob asks, as he sits down next to Frank, who just hmmms. He isn’t, but he isn’t that bad either. Still, he needs to get himself together, it’s never good when Bob begins to ask questions, because Bob is someone to take no bullshit and just solve problems. Frank isn’t sure he wants this solved by Bob. He isn’t sure he can/ wants to face everything that is in his head. Not right now. Not ever maybe.

“Frank?” Mikey’s voice, Frank turns and smiles.

“Didn’t sleep that well…” he says with a shrug. Mikey sighs and Gerard looks guilty for some reason. Frank really doesn’t want to know, or think about it. It’s too early. He didn’t have enough coffee and just…no.

~+~  
“He’s getting better…” Gerard argues. Mikey looks sharply at him. “What? He is.”

“We are just too good at this,” Mikey answers, sitting down.

“At what?”

“Ignoring things,” his brother says.

“We aren’t ignoring anything. He is getting better. Everything will be okay…once…”

“Once what?” his brother interrupts, it’s clear he is upset by all this. Gerard wants just to lay down beside him and make everything better. Problem is that it doesn’t work like this. Not anymore.

“I don’t know, okay?”

“You need to break up with Ryan.” Gerard didn’t see that one coming and wishes that Mikey wouldn’t ask that of him.

“No.”

“Gerard…” Mikey stresses.

“No, I can’t. I just can’t.”

“You’re addicted. You know you’ve got an addictive personality. You’ve just replaced coke with Ryan.”

And Gerard really wants to deny that, but it’s true, kind of. So he just nods. Mikey sighs.  
“I just can’t…”

“It’s for Frank, for the band.” Mikey says; he feels helpless. Gerard can tell. Of course he wants his brother to be happy, but he can also see where this is heading. And it’s not a good direction. He didn’t do much when Gerard drank and all that other stuff and now, now someone has to do something and he will be damned if…he sighs again.

“I…” Gerard bites his lip hard and Mikey really wants to go over and just lie down and stroke his hair and make everything okay.  
But he knows what Frank suspects, even though it’s completely loopy. So he doesn’t.

~+~  
 _“It's painful to look at,” Ryan whispers in his ear. He shivers. Frank knows it's just another dream. He knows it's not real. But that knowledge didn't help him the last hundred times either. Why should this one be different?_

 _“What?” he asks and Ryan steps back. Just a little and it doesn't really help._

 _“Do you even know what you are doing?” Ryan asks. And Frank really has to stop calling his subconscious that._

 _“I'm not doing anything!”_

 _“Look!” Ryan says and Frank can't not look.  
Gerard and Mikey are sitting on a couch. Just like...well it's normal except how it isn't. They aren't touching in any way. Gerard keeps glancing at his brother and Mikey's fingers inch in Gerard’s general direction before he seems to remember. It could be a scene he saw today, yesterday...a week ago. Ryan is right, it's painful. “They're doing it for you.”_

 _“I know...”_

It's still dark outside when he wakes in his bunk. It's nothing new. He grabs his pack of cigarettes and goes into the kitchen to smoke. He is sure he will die of cancer because of this shit. The glass of the window feels cold and it is raining outside. The steady drum against the bus calms him down a bit.

“Dreams again?” Mikey asks. Frank nods, he doesn't wonder why Mikey isn't sleeping either. He doesn't want to talk, so he just lets his eyes close shut again and takes another drag of his cigarette. Mikey quietly makes some coffee.  
He looks tired, Frank thinks when he opens his eyes again. He looks like Frank feels sometimes, almost all the time recently.  
“Wanna talk about it?” Mikey tries, he is putting sugar into his mug, his movements look clumsy and slow. He isn't awake at all.

“No...”

“Okay,” Mikey answers.

“Can I sleep by you?”

“Sure,” Mikey answers between a yawn.

~+~  
“Maybe...” Mikey says and Gerard just shakes his head. He can't take this anymore and it's the only solution they could come up with and it's not a solution at all. It's just frustrating and Bob asked again if they're fighting because they're never fighting “and what the hell is going on in this band?” Gerard couldn't say a word.

“It will not work,” he says, but he doesn't demand they stop.

“I know...but, it's better than nothing?”

“It's wrong...it's… god! I hate this.” Gerard answers taking another drag of his cigarette. “It's wrong,” he repeats. They could curl up on the couch when Frank is out but they just don't want to risk anything...falling back into old patterns. So they don't touch at all and Gerard feels like someone ripped half his heart out. It hurts. It fucking hurts. And he isn't sure he loves Frank, the band, enough for that. To do without Mikey.

~+~  
It doesn't help at all that Frank is sleeping in Mikey's bunk. It just makes things worse, it makes Gerard want to scream. When he's feeling like that, he calls Ryan and Ryan never says a word about it. So, Gerard lets go of the pain and screams and when he's done Brendon kisses everything better again. (Every bruise, every mark, every cut.) Like now.

“This isn't healthy,” Brendon whispers into his ear. Gerard is over stimulated, hyper aware of everything: The sheets under him, Ryan's gaze, Brendon's hot breath on his skin.

“You're one to talk...” he says, he feels tired, his body tingling with painpleasure.

“It's different for me,” Brendon insists and Gerard knows he's right, but he doesn't want to think about it now, or talk for that matter.

“Did you ever?” Ryan asks laying down.

“What?”

“With Mikey.” Brendon clarifies. It's kind of spooky how Brendon knows these things.

“No,” Gerard answers, Ryan's finger is playing with the bones of his spine under his skin. Just light pressure. He tries not to shiver.

“Why not?” Brendon again. Ryan's finger stills on his skin.

“It's wrong,” he answers, Brendon kisses the corner of his mouth and smiles.

“You're so dumb.” Ryan says softly, Gerard can feel his breath ghosting over his neck.

“I could...” Brendon says and kisses Gerard again.

“What?” Gerard wants to know breathless. Are they going again? He could...he feels Ryan's teeth on his skin, not breaking it – not yet and Brendon's hand is wandering lower still. “What?” he asks again with a gasp because Brendon's hand is closing around his dick.

“I could make things easier...I could guide you through it,” he says, it's just a whisper.

“He is good at it,” Ryan says from behind him. “You know, he is...”

“I...” He can't say more, because Ryan' finger is wandering down his spine and lower and he didn't how much he liked this until Ryan did it...he was too terrified to appreciate it the first time Brendon did it...but, god Ryan's long, long fingers.

“Shhh...You don't have to decide now,” Brendon says, his lips inches from Gerard's dick. When did he even get down there? Ryan cuts his thoughts off by slipping one finger inside him and he just… it's too much.  
Like it always is.  
He knows it will be really hard to give this up.

~+~  
 _“You aren't looking,” Ryan says and Frank opens his eyes obediently. There is nothing in front of him. He can feel Ryan at his back._

 _“There is nothing,” he says, not daring to turn around._

 _“You're not looking, how can you look and still let them do that to each other?” Ryan asks softly...no, he thinks and realises that it isn't Ryan this time. It's Brendon. “How can you be so dumb?” he asks, shaking his head._

 _“I'm...” but he doesn't end this sentence._

He wakes up. Confused again. Morning sun is slipping through the curtains and he can smell coffee. Fucking Panic at the disco, he thinks irritated as he pads into the kitchen. Gerard is leaning on the counter, watching Mikey, who is quietly talking with Ray.

“Where is Bob?” he asks.

“Out...mumbled something about real food...” Gerard says, not looking at him at all. Frank feels guilty. Guilty, because he knows what they are doing here, and he doesn't want it. He really just doesn't know how to tell them what it _is_ that he wants. So he settles for a mug of coffee and a cigarette.

~+~  
“This will not solve a single problem.” Frank says. He doesn’t know why he says it, maybe because it's true, maybe because it could've solve everything… a few months ago, but not anymore.

“What?”

“It’s not just Ryan. You know that.” Frank stresses. He feels frustrated with Gerard and the whole situation. He feels frustrated with himself and his own feelings that were building inside for weeks, months now and if Gerard had just stopped when Frank didn’t KNOW. It could have been okay, but he didn’t and now.

“I can’t…that’s the only thing I can give you.” Gerard says. And that’s just such a goddamned lie. Frank thinks. But maybe Gerard really isn’t able to love anyone except Mikey.

“So, you will give up Ryan. For the band? For me?” He asks.  
Gerard nods, taking out a cigarette. “And then what?”

“What do you mean?” Gerard says around the filter.

“You think I can just forget all…the things I know now?”

“God! Frank it’s not what you think!” Gerard answers, he is frustrated too, Frank can tell.

“What do I think then?” And Frank really wants to hear it from Gerard, because they were dancing around this for months now, maybe years.

“That Mikey and I…” he sighs, taking a drag from his cigarette, keeping it in.

“Don’t do that,” Frank says sharply. Gerard exhales with a glare.

“Don’t tell me what to do!”  
This is going nowhere. Frank really just wants to punch something or someone. This has to stop. He can’t live like that anymore. The dreams, the jealousy. It’s too much. It has to stop.

“I think you like that!” he spits.

“I don’t.”

“You like that…you like it when Ryan is doing it, you like it when Mikey tells you what to do…you like it.”

“It’s not like that.” Gerard can’t meet his eyes.

“So, you’re not…” he can’t say it. He just can’t.

There is silence for a few moments or an eternity. Who can tell anyway? Gerard takes another a drag from his cigarette, exhales and looks at Frank. Frank can’t look away. Was Gerard always like this? So goddamned enthralling? He can’t remember. He just wants to touch that throat, run his fingers down that pale skin and maybe kiss everything better.  
“I’m not fucking my brother.” He says in a soft but steady voice. Frank just looks at him, because _oh god._ How could this conversation end like this? The silence is deafening he can’t say a single word. “Frank?” _I can’t deal with this_ , he thinks.

“You’re not?”

“No.” Gerard answers calmly. And yes, he isn’t. He is not lying, Frank can tell after all these years.

“But you want to…you both want to.” He whispers more to himself than to Gerard. Gerard stays quiet, looking as though he swallowed a fly. “So, why?” He doesn’t know how to formulate that question because…god that is all so messed up.

“In all honesty, it’s never crossed my mind. Besides it’s wrong and well, just wrong!” Gerard says and Frank laughs, because seriously trust Gerard to do that to himself.

“Wrong…” Frank whispers. Yes, it is and what he is thinking about late at night, that is wrong too and what he is thinking now…about Gerard and Mikey and him…because if he could…if they could. He looks up and Gerard takes a deep breath.

“Frank?” He sounds a bit breathless, and a bit scared, maybe.  
Uncertain.  
Frank doesn’t answer, just gets up slowly just to…he doesn’t know- give Gerard time to step away maybe? Gerard doesn’t. He just stands there in the middle of the room, ashes dropping to the floor from his forgotten cigarette, looking as Frank steps closer. Frank wants to say something, but he doesn’t know what and really what is there left to say in this situation they are in? So he just steps that one step closer, running his finger down Gerard’s jaw, his lips and then leaning forward and he really wants to be gentle, but this (hunger? need?) has built for months now and he can’t. And it’s so much better when Gerard lets him in. Kisses back, not surrendering, but fierce like he wanted that too. Maybe he did. Frank isn’t sure about anything anymore.

“I want you…” he pants.

“I know,” Gerard answers against his skin.

“I want you both.” Frank clarifies.

“I know.” Gerard whispers.  
Frank just keeps kissing him.

~6~  
“So… I kissed Frank....or he kissed me.” Gerard says, he is smoking his third cigarette in five minutes. And he is pacing the room like a caged animal.

“Okaaaay?” Mikey answers from the couch, not sure where Gerard is going with this. Gerard looks up sharply.

“What do you mean with 'okay'?” he asks and takes another drag. He keeps the smoke in until his lungs scream. Mikey doesn't tell him to exhale.

“What I said. I'm just not sure this is a good idea.”

“It's not.” Gerard admits. He is the first one to admit this shit to Mikey.

“I mean because of Ryan and his possessiveness,” his brother clarifies. Oh, yeah, right. Gerard thinks. Of course there is Ryan as well and Brendon...he likes Brendon, Brendon who offered...he didn't tell Mikey about _that._

“Yeah...right. You know he wants you too?”

“Yeah. I told you he's in love with us.” Mikey sighs.

“Right,” Gerard answers, because what else can he say to that? Nothing. He can't...they can't do things.

“You think we could share?” Mikey asks. Gerard takes another drag.

“Share? Frank?”

“Yes?”

“You like him too?”  
Mikey nods. Gerard wishes he were drunk, because alcohol would make this so much easier. But that kind of behaviour is not an option anymore.  
“Mikey, you’re taking this far too calmly. No more hanging out with Pete.” Gerard instructs. “Saporta too, for that matter.” He adds, just in case.

~+~  
The problem is Mikey knows that Gerard doesn't think he could love anyone else.  
Besides Mikey. He feels like he would betray Mikey if he did, even if he clearly is in love with Ryan – for some reason or another – and Frank, for obvious reasons. And he isn't sure Ryan loves him too, but he knows he – they, the whole fucking band, even Spencer – cares about Gerard. And Frank, Frank is in love with Gerard. No question there.  
Gerard just needs to admit to himself that he loves Frank too, like he loves Mikey or more, or differently, but that it's as strong. He sighs, looking out of the window. The world rushes past in flashes. It's raining again.

~+~  
 _“Gerard is stupid too,” Frank says. It's not really a good excuse and Ryan seems to think so too._

 _“Doesn't matter, he has his own issues. And now that you kissed him, what are you going to do? Frank?” Ryan whispers. Frank doesn't know what to answer. He really doesn't know what he will do._

 _“What I want to...” he begins._

 _“We know what you want.” Brendon says. God, he thinks, his subconscious is so strange. A strange, strange place to be and scary too._

 _“What are you going to do?” Ryan asks again.  
Make him see sense, Frank thinks. Make him admit that he wants me too, that it's okay.  
“It's not,” Ryan says._

 _“What?”_

 _“It's not okay, he knows that and he will not ever touch Mikey like that...” Brendon says._

 _“But he would watch,” Ryan says with absolute certainty._

It's just a whisper, a butterfly wing on his skin, but it's the only think he really can remember when he wakes up.

~+~  
He knows he is behaving a bit creepy. But hey, creepy is kinda the image they're going for, so. He shrugs it off. It's a bit unnerving to watch Gerard and Mikey not touching. It's not right and somehow unnatural. He would watch...Frank thinks. Maybe that is the solution to the whole mess. It would not make things right, but it wouldn't be that wrong, maybe Gerard wouldn't freak out about this. Maybe this could all work out...maybe. Someone needs to make the first step in the right direction. Whether it’s towards the nearest bed or psychiatric ward.

~+~  
“He still has dreams,” Gerard says.

“I know...” Brendon sounds a bit amused and a bit guilty.

“What is he doing to Frank? Because I know they aren't nightmares anymore...”  
Gerard says. Brendon is silent on the other end of the line. Gerard isn't sure if he is thinking this through or if he is just mean.

“Helping?” He says eventually, it sounds a lot like a question.

“What do you mean with helping? Like you did with William? Is this...I'm not really sure I want you to help Frank...or me for that matter.”

“Liar. You love it when we help you.” Brendon says low. And okay, Gerard really loves it when Brendon and Ryan are helping him with his frustration, but this is different. And that's what he says. “How is this different?” Brendon almost purrs.

“It's Frank.”

“You love him.” And that should be a question, Gerard thinks.

“I also love my brother, but not enough to sleep with him. You gave Frank some sick ideas.”

“You're so goddamned dumb. I really want to know sometimes what went wrong in your childhood.” Brendon answers. He sounds like he is really thinking about it.  
Gerard ignores Brendon’s obvious stab at his Jersey roots. “So, you think that the only pure form of love is the one you and Mikey share? I call that pretty messed up, Gerard.”

“I...just make him stop.” Gerard answers. He doesn't like to think about this. About all the feelings he has and how he thinks they're wrong. How he _knows_ they're wrong.

“It’s like you think I actually have any control over our little vamp friend.”

“Brendon.” Gerard almost growls.

“Good night Gerard.” Brendon says and ends the call. Gerard stares at his cell for a while before he lays it down and sighs. Okay, so Panic is planning something and Brendon thinks he is helping them...god, this can only end in disaster.  
On the other hand, Ryan seems so much better now that he is meeting with William. So maybe. But what does Brendon know about them anyway? He doesn't know Frank at all. And he just knows Gerard when he is falling apart under Ryan's finger and lips and... He closes his eyes and wills the images away. He knows it doesn't work that way. Somehow it's as if he could feel Ryan's fingers on his skin just when he thinks about him. It's strange, but well, Ryan is strange and no one knows, not even Ryan – Gerard is sure of that – what he is capable of.

~+~  
“Frank is behaving strangely.” Bob says one morning. Gerard is having his first mug of coffee, so it's really too early to have a conversation with Bob.

“He's always behaving strangely.”

“Strange for Frank,” Bob answers. It's pretty clear Bob is done looking and will ask questions now.

“He's in love...” Mikey says, stealing Gerard's mug, Gerard sends him a glare.

“It's my first cup this morning...” he protests.

“In love?” Bob wearily eyes the brothers Way.

“Yeah?” Mikey has perfected his DUH tone by now. He had to, surrounded by idiots all the time.

“With whom?”

“Mikey.”

“Gerard.”

Bob just stares at them. “Riiiiight. So which one is it?”

The Way brothers point to eachother, frown at being pointed at and proceed to have a slap fight. Bob nips it in the bud with a slap to each head.

“Bob...” Gerard tries, because Bob will know what to do. Right?

“You need to fix this mess we're in.” Bob says. Gerard likes that Bob always says 'we' when something is going down.

“We will.” Mikey answers taking another sip of Gerard's coffee before he gives it back, his fingers brushing Gerard's and he doesn't jerk away. He is done pretending and it seems Mikey is done too. Frank has to deal with this, when he claims to want them both. He just has to, because this whole not touching thing is killing Gerard and he knows it's killing Mikey too.

“I seriously hope so,” Bob says looking at them sternly.

“We will,” Mikey answers again, leaning into Gerard. His hip brushing Gerard's shoulder. It's comforting. It's right for all the right reasons. Gerard smiles into his coffee.

~+~  
“You're done being stupid then?” Ray asks when he enters the lounge with Frank on his heels.

“Yeah.” Mikey says from his spot against Gerard's legs. He is playing Halo, it's muted so he can listen to Gerard singing some Blondie song while he's sketching.  
Ray nods; a satisfied smile on his lips. “Good for you. Bob, this is where we lock them in a room together to sort their shit out. And now Frank has to overcome his issues as well and we will all be back to our creepy selves.” Ray knows how to lighten the tone of any situation.

“Speak for yourself.” Gerard says and Mikey smiles.

“Hey!” Frank doesn't sound really pissed and Mikey can feel his gaze on them both. Calculating maybe.

“We're done.” Mikey repeats softly. Frank's eyes rest on him, a question there, but Mikey doesn't know what it is Frank is asking and if he's asking just Mikey or Gerard too. There was a time when he just knew this stuff, but lately it's hard to tell with Frank, but he supposes it's hard to tell with them as well. He shrugs and shifts his gaze back to the game.

“Give me the other controller,” Ray says and Gerard shifts on the couch to make room for him.  
Frank just stands there for a minute or so, just watching the scene in front of him. This little piece of normality.

“Mikey will kick your ass,” he says eventually.

“Yeah?” Ray cocks an eyebrow.

“Yeah, he's been practising lately.” Gerard answers for him.

“We will see,” Ray doesn't sound afraid.

“You will cry,” Frank says, leaning over to see what Gerard is sketching, unsurprisingly, it's Mikey. That's normal too. If only he’d been there five minutes earlier, he’d have seen the sketch Gerard had done of him.

“Go and make me some coffee, bitch.” Ray replies and Gerard laughs.

“Go fuck yourself...” Frank answers with a smile.

“I’ll need the caffeine to help kick Mikey’s ass.” Ray jokes.

“You wish.” Mikey answers, leaning into Gerard a bit. It's nothing he didn't see before, but somehow he knows they're on display. To show him...something. He shakes his head and goes to the kitchen to make some coffee.

“For me too!” Gerard and Mikey scream at the same time.  
Of course, he thinks, rolling his eyes.

~+~  
It's a little bit like torture in a good way, he supposes. They're not pretending, but Mikey, and here Frank is pretty sure, is waiting for him to do something. So he does, because someone needs to and it will be not Mikey. It's always Gerard who is driven with something, who does things. Mikey, Mikey always has Gerard’s back. And maybe he will have Frank's too.

“So, we...did he tell you about the kiss?” Frank asks.

“Yeah...” Mikey says, he isn't looking up from the magazine he's reading or not reading. It's hard to tell with Mikey sometimes.

“You know I...”

“He did tell me that too, yes.” Mikey answers, still not looking up.

“And...I know he wants you.”

“You don't understand him at all.” Mikey says.

“What?”

“Are you willing to share?” Mikey asks.

“With you?”

“With Ryan.” Mikey says in his 'duh' voice.

“Right. Yeah, I guess?”

“He's possessive.” Mikey sing songs.

“Tell me about it,” Frank says, his hand stroking his wrist, where Ryan left bruises the last time they met each other. Mikey smiles. “He will not...he will not let me touch you, will he?” Frank asks. He isn't sure Mikey understands what he is asking for.

“Maybe...” Mikey says and he does look up now, so Frank can see his eyes, earnest and sincere.

“But he will not touch you.” It's not a question.

“No,” Mikey answers, shaking his head.

“Because it's wrong.”

“Yes.”

“But he will watch?” This is a question.

“Yes.”

“Because you want him too?”

“Yeah...” Mikey answers. He doesn't seem shy about it. He seems pretty determined.

~+~  
The thing is, Mikey gives him things he doesn't even know he wants sometimes. And Frank, he might be one of those things. Something he didn't think he would want until it was right there. In his hotel room, on his bed. Wrapped in nothing but expectation.

“God...” he whispers. He isn't sure he really wants this. He knows he wants Frank, he just doesn't think this is right. Not like this.

“You don't need to do anything...” Mikey says. Gerard looks from Frank to his brother. He will not do anything. He will not. So, that's how Spencer must feel, the thought flashes through his mind and he nearly laughs. But this is too serious to laugh.

“You're sure about this?” He asks, he looks at Frank, but it's clearly a question for both of them.

“Yeah...” Frank says and Mikey nods.  
So, he sits down on the chair far away from the bed. It's strange, not being able to touch, it's strange to be in one room with your brother who is kissing your best friend and the man you're in love with. (He has a lot of respect for Spencer now and, wow, yeah, he IS in love with Frank.) It's not just strange, it's hard too.  
But it's also painfully beautiful and he asks himself if he would look like that, sound like that when Frank would kiss _his_ neck, _his_ collarbone, lets his fingers wander lower. Maybe, he thinks as he closes his eyes against the gasp ripped from Mikey's throat.

~+~  
So, this is what he can have, because Gerard will not touch Mikey, not like this. Not like Frank wants him too. Maybe Mikey is right (He’s pretty damn sure that Mikey is right about this.) and Frank doesn’t know him as well as he thought.  
He touched Mikey before, he knows how Mikey’s skin feels, but he didn’t know how the curve of his hipbone feels, or how he hisses when someone licks it. Didn’t know the needy sounds he makes, hushed but _there_ , when someone’s finger brushes his heated skin. Didn’t know how his lips feel – soft, yet forceful, unyielding. He is as fierce as Gerard – but different still.

~+~  
Even if Frank is doing delicious things to him. Filthy, delicious things, he is aware of Gerard. Of Gerard’s gaze on Frank, on him. Mostly on Frank. (But that’s okay, it’s what Mikey wanted after all.) Trailing Frank’s fingers, his lips, his tongue when it slides against Mikey’s hip and lower (He can’t help the moan that escapes him, can’t help closing his eyes against the sleek heat.)  
He can see the effort not to just get up and run his fingers down Frank’s spine, kiss his neck, stroke his skin – be part of this. (It’s what Mikey would want in the same situation.) What he doesn’t see is jealousy. He isn’t jealous about Mikey having Frank first or having him at all – Gerard is good at sharing. (Really, they both are.)  
He locks eyes with Gerard in the split second before he slides into Frank and knows that this can work because Gerard doesn’t look away.

~7~  
 _Gerard and Brendon look like cats, licking their wounds. Snuggled together. Curled around each other for warmth or comfort or both. There is a half burned cigarette in the ashtray on the bedside table. Gerard's he thinks. The bed is a mess, he doesn't really want to know, except how he really wants to.  
He wonders if that's what Gerard needs, but their kiss was so different from what he thinks has happened here.  
Ryan is standing at the window, not looking at them, but at Frank. It's the first time he really sees what had happened. He shivers, because Brendon and Gerard look strangely sated and happy in their post orgasmic chill.  
“That's not what he wants from you,” Ryan says and Frank turns to look at him._

 _“What?”_

 _“This. That is not what he wants from you,” Ryan says again. Someone moans on the bed and Frank is distracted again. Brendon licks a bruise around Gerard's rips..._

He wakes hard – no surprise there he thinks.

~+~  
Frank thought things would be weird after, but they aren’t. Not for Gerard or Mikey, maybe they are for him – a bit, because his subconscious still wants to tell him something (what with the dreams and all). Maybe because he still is obsessing about Gerard – they didn't sleep together after all. And what did Ryan mean with 'that's not what he wants from you'? He shakes his head and closes his eyes. Sometimes he wonders how his life would have turned out if he didn't say yes when they asked him to join the band.

~+~  
He doesn't have to ask if they're still okay, because he has seen Mikey, has seen his eyes in the split second before...it's still somehow, he doesn't know. How can Mikey be cool with that? He is freaking out a bit. (Just a bit, he thinks he maybe should be freaking out more, but hey, he is in love with Frank and things are looking a lot better when you look at it from here.)  
“So, you're going to do something?” Mikey asks, he is pretending to read one of Gerard's comics, his feet brushing his brother's knee.

“About what?” Gerard knows Mikey his rolling his eyes at him, he doesn't need to look up from the sketch he is drawing.

“Frank.”

“I...aren't we doing things already?”

“I'm doing something...and Frank is doing something. You are doing shit, Gerard.” Mikey answers, he isn't pissed or anything. He just states the facts here. Gerard sighs.

“So, you want me to...do you want to watch?” he asks, turning a bit red, because, man, when did that happen? It's not a problem when Jon watches or even Spencer, because he watches them with Ryan or Brendon in return, but this is his brother.

“Do you want me to?”

“I suppose it would only be fair?” Gerard asks. It shouldn't be a question.

“You're so dumb,” Mikey says in his 'duh' voice.

“What?”

“That's not about fairness...that's about what you want. Like with Ryan?” Mikey answers.

“I thought you said it's just Ryan's vamp – mojo...”

“Maybe I was wrong,” Mikey admits.

“So, when it's about what I want, it's about what you want too and Frank.”

“We know what Frank wants, and that's not gonna happen.” Mikey says. Yeah, Gerard thinks, he can't and he doesn't think that Mikey could. That's not how their relationship works.

“Besides Frank got what he wanted....sort of.” he adds blushing a bit. It's cute, Gerard thinks. It's true, that's what they can give him, but not more and if this should work, they need to draw lines now. (They already crossed more than other people would...)

“I don't...” Gerard says.

“Okay,” Mikey answers.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

~+~  
“So, you're doing what's good for you now?” Brendon asks, his finger stroking a pale bruise on Gerard's hip.

“I don't know...”

“But Frank loves you and you love Frank.”

“But I can't stand Frank at all...” Ryan says from the other side of the room, he is looking out of the window, he likes to do that Gerard knows, watching the pale sun. Maybe he sees something they don't. Brendon laughs.

“Yeah....you're just too good to be true,” he says and Gerard can't help it; he thinks it's true.

“You're right I am,” he answers turning around. He looks beautiful and innocent and just like a boy in these quiet moments after, in the pale morning sun.

“Does William look like that?” Gerard asks out of the blue.

“How?” Ryan wants to know, he seems genuinely interested.

”Enthralling?”

Ryan laughs. “Yeah...he does,” he answers softly. “He always does.”

~+~  
Somehow it's easier to breach the subject with Mikey, because well, it always was easier with Mikey even if he didn't know what he wanted, or if he could have it. He is sure that Gerard wants him too, but he knows too that Gerard tends to overthink things from time to time. And his strong sense of right and wrong is somehow in the way here. He needs Mikey to ease the way.

~+~  
Gerard stops when he sees Mikey and Frank kissing in the kitchen. Leaning against the counter, a mug of coffee in danger of slipping to the ground from loose fingers. Mikey sees him first, his hand tightens in Frank's shirt.

“Come here...” he says softly and Gerard does because Mikey would never do something to hurt him and Frank, Frank doesn't do it on purpose.  
He is sure he can taste Mikey on Frank's lips and it freaks him out for just a second, but Mikey whispers reassuring words into his ear and then leaves quietly and he knows everything will be okay.

~+~  
It's a bit irritating that they don't actually fuck. So, he fucks with Mikey, but not with Gerard even if they have sex – blow jobs, handjobs, kissing (a lot and it's great), still. He doesn't really know what Gerard wants and stupid as it is, he is afraid to ask.

~+~  
When Frank enters the lounge on a Friday the first thing he sees is Ryan and he wonders how he could forget about that. Ryan is drinking tea, Frank is just staring at him.

“You're kinda rude,” Ryan says and his voice makes him shiver.

“Don't be a bitch. Ryan.” Brendon says from the kitchen.

“I'm not,” Ryan answers, his voice light, but his eyes on Frank tell a different story.

“Want some coffee, Frank?” Brendon asks.

“Yeah...” He isn't sure he likes Brendon, after all Brendon is sleeping with Gerard like the whole fucking band and he is not. Ha! That's jealousy right there. Ryan smiles.  
He squirms under Ryan's gaze as they're drinking coffee, Brendon is talking the whole time and Gerard is giving Frank worried looks.  
“For fuck's sake! I'm okay with this.” Frank says after an hour of this.

“What?”

“I can share.” he answers. Ryan laughs again and Brendon nudges him in the rips.

“What? That's funny.”

“It's not. We're here to see Gerard and now you're doing that shit...” Brendon says.

“It makes me happy?”

“I hate you,” Brendon answers.

“You love me,” Ryan purrs, leaning over Gerard to take Brendon's face between his hands and kiss him long and slow and dirty. “You love me.” he repeats.

“Fuck you,” Brendon breaths.  
Holy shit, Frank thinks. That was unbelievingly hot and somehow filthy, he can't really tell why. Maybe...something tells him that Ryan is in control here, every fucking time, even when Brendon tells him to do stuff, even when they fight. Ryan is always in control in their bedroom. He takes out two cigarettes, lights them and passes one to Gerard.

“Thanks,” Gerard says inhaling deeply. He lets the smoke in too long again.

“Don't do that,” Brendon and Frank say at the same time and Gerard exhales. Frank decides that he likes Brendon. Because Brendon cares, about all of them.

~+~  
“So this was a peace offering?” Frank asks after Gerard comes back alone that night.

“Yeah, I think so.” Gerard answers sitting down beside Frank on the couch. There is a new bruise on his neck.

“You like that?”

“What?”

“When he's...dominant?”

“I guess.” Gerard answers not looking at him.

“When he leaves bruises? Marks your skin...?”

“It's not like that.” Gerard answers, taking out a cigarette, not lighting it, just playing with it between his fingers.

“Gerard.” He stresses.

“You were wrong about Mikey and me too,” Gerard says a bit pissed.

“I wasn't.”

“You were, we love you. But we don't...don't you see? We will never touch each other like we're touching you.” Gerard says frustrated.

“You can have both of us, but you can't have us both,” Mikey says from the door. Gerard nods, Frank doesn't even wonder why Mikey is here. Must be some weird Way radar. He crosses the room to stand behind Gerard and stroke his hair.

“You're both such tease.”

“We're not. That's how we are.” Mikey says, Gerard sighs, leaning into his brother's touch.

~+~  
 _“So that's all I get,” Frank says and Brendon looks at him sharply._

 _“What else do you want? You have two people who love you, they cross lines that shouldn't be crossed for you.”_

 _Frank feels like an idiot. Of course. He didn't consider that, because he thought that they wanted that too, with each other. But they made it very clear that it's not like that._

 _“You should be grateful I let him have you.” Ryan says from the windowsill._

 _“What?!”_

 _“You heard me...”_

 _“You have to realise, that he would leave you if he had to choose between Ryan and you.” Brendon clarifies._

 _“What makes you so sure?”_

 _“Because he's different.” Brendon says and Ryan smiles that totally sure of himself smile that Frank hates so much._

He hates that feeling when he wakes up. As if his subconscious knows something he doesn't and that's just stupid. He knows if his subconscious knows.  
He's frustrated and he needs a cigarette right now. So he gets up and walks over to the kitchen, to make coffee and smoke.

“Can't sleep?” Gerard asks from the couch. Frank nearly has a heart attack; he didn't see Gerard.

“No, dreams again.” He says sitting down with his mug and his cigarette.

“Give me one too,” Gerard says his arm outstretched, there is a fresh bruise there, finger shaped and a cut, teeth marks too. Frank doesn't think, he grabs Gerard's wrist and jerks him closer, kissing his neck, bruising it more, his hold on Gerard's wrist is too hard and Gerard winces.  
“Let go,” he says. Frank ignores him, pushing him into the cushions. Pinning Gerard down; wrist over his head, straddling him. “Frank. Let me go.” Gerard says again. Louder this time. “Frank!” He says desperately and Frank stops.

“What?” he looks confused and pissed.

“That's not what he wants from you.” Mikey says from the doorway.

“The fuck!” Frank exclaims turning to look at him.

“Let me go,” Gerard says softly and Frank gets up. Gerard rubs his wrists and doesn't look at Frank.

“Gerard...” Mikey says softly.

“Okay...” Gerard says, getting up, following his brother to the bunks. Frank lights another cigarette. The fuck, he thinks. He doesn't get the Ways at all sometimes.

~+~  
“You need to tell him, what you want.” Mikey says quietly, because Bob needs his sleep to be a human being in the morning.

“I told him he was wrong. I told him before and he didn't listen.” Gerard says frustrated.

“He doesn't know...and with what Ryan does to you. He just assumed that...you like it.”

“I do, but just because it's Ryan.” Gerard answers.

“I get that.” Mikey says, stroking his hip.

“I want to sleep now...”

“Okay.” Mikey answers brushing a kiss against his brother's cheek.

~+~  
 _“Honestly, you are so dumb.” Brendon says._

 _“I just don't know what to do.” Frank answers frustrated._

 _“So dumb.”_

 _“What?”_

 _“Go and asks, for god's sake.” Ryan says from the windowsill and Frank knows he's laughing at him and maybe rolling his eyes. He hates Ryan. He really does._

~+~  
“That's not what he wants from you,” Ryan says in his ear and Frank thinks he's dreaming, but they're standing outside the bus and the sun is shining and Ryan is really there. Beside him, whispering into his ear.

“What?”

“You heard me.” Ryan answers with a smile and a brush of his lips against Frank's skin. Frank shivers.

“Don't ever do that again.” He says.

“Or what?” Ryan wants to know. Frank doesn't have an answer to that.

“Are you harassing Frank again?” Jon asks coming closer.

“You know me.”

“Yeah...that's why I'm asking.” Jon says and Ryan laughs. “You're making Brendon sad with it.”

“I promise to behave.” Ryan answers with a smile. He is so different with his band, Frank thinks.

“Come on, Spencer is getting pissed...” Jon says softly stroking Ryan's neck, Ryan is leaning into the touch.

“Yeah...” he says and then turns his eyes at Frank and looks at him sharply. “If you hurt him again, I will hurt you,” he says and Frank believes him. So he nods. “Good.”

~+~  
“Ryan is a scary motherfucker,” Frank says, Gerard thinks it's a bit out of the blue. What with them being sweaty and naked and post orgasmic.

“You're honestly thinking about Ryan now?”

“I'm always thinking about Ryan...” Frank says, kissing Gerard's shoulder, he tastes like salt and soap and nothing like Mikey.

“What does that mean?” Gerard is waving his cigarette, smoke is curling around Frank like a vine.

“I can't stop thinking about him, you and him, you and Brendon and Jon and...are you sleeping with Spencer too?” he asks, it's mostly curiosity.

“No, not with Spencer...and not with Jon...I mean. Not like I do with Ryan or Brendon,” he answers quietly. “Frank?”

“Yeah?” he asks, he feels good, he feels lazy and relaxed and everything seems to be good on this particular morning.

“Is this a problem?”

“Would you give him up for me?”

“No,” Gerard says, because it's true.

“Then no, it isn't. I will deal with it.”

“He's different...he's just...different.” Gerard says.

“I know.”

“You do?”

“Yeah.” Frank says, kissing him again.

“Hey, Frank?”

“Yeah?”

“You love us, right?”

“Yep.”

“Okay,” Gerard says, turning to kiss him deep and slow. He tastes like smoke, that is different from Mikey too.

“Still want to see you kiss your brother.”

“Never going to happen,” Mikey says from the windowsill.

“You don't love me at all, do you?” he pouts.

“Shut up!” They say at the same time laughing.

  
~end~


End file.
